WHY DO MY RELATIONSHIPS GO WRONG?
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As a couple, two people decide to share their lives. That sounds simple, until each person begins to lose sight of who they are as an individual. The result can be frustration, confusion and loss of individuality, all of which can lead to resentment that each partner’s needs are not being met.
Perhaps you are overly dependent on your partner. Think of bookends: take one away and the books collapse, which can leave you feeling unsupported, powerless, anxious and depressed. Overcoming co-dependency and reclaiming individuality in all your relationships is the road to healthy, balanced relationships.
UNCONSCIOUS FAMILY ‘MESSAGES’, PATTERNS AND EXPECTATIONS
Understanding that in any relationship, unconscious family patterns, values and Internalised messages continue to be replayed that have no relevance to the here-and-now. There are never just two people in a relationship but the family system – it gets crowded with ‘shoulds,’ oughts’ and ‘musts’ handed out generously by your family. If your partner or loved one doesn’t comply with your ‘shoulds’, ‘oughts’ and ‘musts’ you may be left feeling confused, frustrated and angry that your expectations are not being met. Sifting through what messages and values belong to you and to a generalised family system, through counselling, offers clearer boundaries by learning how to be assertive in asking for what YOU want and deleting these three famous words from your mind, emotions and behaviour.
Consciously, unmet needs are a result of expectations according to the family ‘rule book’, as included in the three famous words described above and other ‘rules’ you learnt about relationships from your family. Expecting your partner to conform to your family rule book won’t help you come together as the two unique individuals you are.
The problems begin when your partner’s/relatives ‘rule book’ has different rules to yours. Learning how to separate out and deciding which conscious expectations you still value and those you don’t is one of the main objectives in relationship counselling. Through counselling, unconscious and conscious patterns of expectations begin to emerge offering an ‘a-ha’ experience through enlightened understanding.
When you change your perception of who you think you are you begin to create new ways of relating to yourself and others.
Counselling and Psychotherapy can help you:
- Communicate more effectively.
- Reflect on expectations of yourself and others.
- Feel confident to achieve your aims and goals.
- Learn how to reduce stress, depression and anxiety.
- Adapt to change and loss.
- Bereavement counselling can help you come to terms with loss.
Counselling and psychotherapy can increase your sense of well-being,leading to: - Increased self-motivation
- Increased confidence
- Positive self-esteem
- A healthier self-image
- An improved sense of self-worth
- A integrated sense of who you are: your self-identity
Counselling for you and your partner can help resolve differences and find new ways to connect as a couple.
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Click on the 'Contact' page at the bottom of this page for details of fees. Please note: the free half hour chat does not apply to couples counselling.
YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS ORGANIC AND NEEDS NURTURING TO GROW
Relationships are an organic third entity between you and your partner. Imagine a third living being between you and your loved one. You can each decide what you want in the relationship and what you don’t. Many problems exist in relationships because of an inability to communicate and negotiate – key components in all balanced relationships. Deciding and asking for what you both want, expect, can offer and want to receive is the way to happier, trusting relationships.
YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS AN ORGANIC THIRD ‘LIFE’ BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES
Relationships are an organic third entity between you and your partner. Imagine a third living being between you and your loved one. You can each decide what you want in the relationship and what you don’t. Many problems exist in relationships because of an inability to communicate and negotiate – key components in all balanced relationships. Deciding and asking for what you both want, expect, can offer and want to receive is the way to happier, trusting relationships.
BREAKING DOWN BRICK WALLS
If you can identify with any of the following then counselling for yourself, or with your loved one can help you understand why you feel you repeatedly come up against a brick wall.
Do you find it hard to tell your partner, wife or husband how you feel?
Do you find it easy to communicate?
Can you negotiate with your partner?
What do you want and expect in your relationship?
Do you share goals and ambitions?
Do you enjoy a good sexual relationship?
Do you have a good social life as a couple and individually?
Do you argue all of the time?
Do you find it hard to say ‘no’?
Do you have ‘me’ time every day?
Do you share responsibilities?
How much romance is there in your relationship?
Do you feel lonely and alone in your relationship?
Does stress affect your relationships?
Is your husband/wife/partner a work-a-holic?
Is commitment difficult for you?
When you change your perception of who you think you are you begin to create new ways of relating to yourself and others.
Relationship Counselling and Psychotherapy can help you:
Communicate and negotiate more effectively.
Reflect on expectations of yourself and others.
Learn how to reduce stress, depression and anxiety.
Adapt to change and loss.
Bereavement counselling can help you come to terms with loss, whether death of a loved one, divorce and separation and any other
type of loss.
Relationship counselling helps you understand why you experience relationship problems.
When you change your perception of who you think you are you begin to create new ways of relating to yourself and others.
Counselling and Psychotherapy can help you:
- Communicate more effectively.
- Reflect on expectations of yourself and others.
- Feel confident to achieve your aims and goals.
- Learn how to reduce stress, depression and anxiety.
- Adapt to change and loss.
- Bereavement counselling can help you come to terms with loss.
Counselling and psychotherapy can increase your sense of well-being,leading to: - Increased self-motivation
- Increased confidence
- Positive self-esteem
- A healthier self-image
- An improved sense of self-worth
- A integrated sense of who you are: your self-identity
Counselling for you and your partner can help resolve differences and find new ways to connect as a couple.
______________________________________________________
Click on the 'Contact' page at the bottom of this page for details of fees.
If you have health insurance with BUPA you may be able to claim counselling and psychotherapy fees, dependent on your type of cover. Other health insurers pay fees for counselling so check -
What does feeling valued mean to you? For example, does it include others appreciating what you do for them, or a pay-rise at work? A personal perspective of yourself, others and situations develop from childhood through unconscious absorption of parental, educator’s and carer’s values. Counselling and psychotherapy helps to develop self-value.
What happens when parents, carers and educators don’t give value to children?
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM OTHERS AND HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE?
Remember: relationships are based on an exchange – ask others what they think and what they want from you. Think of relationships like a jig-saw – the pieces have to slot together to make the picture make sense.
Think about:
WHAT DO YOU NEED FROM OTHERS TO FEEL RESPECTED?
WHAT DO YOU NEED FROM OTHERS TO FEEL INCLUDED?
WHAT DO YOU NEED FROM OTHERS TO TRUST?
WHAT DO YOU NEED FROM OTHERS TO FEEL ACCEPTED, HOWEVER THAT MAY BE?
WHAT DO YOU NEED TO FEEL SAFE?
WHAT DO YOU NEED FROM OTHERS TO FEEL LISTENED TO?
WHAT DO YOU NEED FROM OTHERS TO FEEL YOU BELONG?
WHAT DO YOU NEED FROM OTHERS TO FEEL LOVED AND CARED FOR?
WHAT DO YOU NEED TO FROM OTHERS TO FEEL VALUED?
If you don’t tell others what you want, they won’t know how you feel about them. Be direct and clear – don’t tip-toe around asking what you want! Not being clear creates more confusion and misunderstandings.
We are each of us unique in our make-up, on all levels, operating as an energy field which affects and is affected by others and the external environment. Respect for individuality and methods which are appropriate for a particular person at a particular point in time must always be present in the practitioner's mind. Thus, each person needs a personal programme to aid in their recovery.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN COUNSELLING AND PSYCHOTHERAPY?
COUNSELLING
Counselling can be helpful for current life problems and may take a few weeks or months. Counselling can help you understand why you experience repeating patterns and learn how to change them in the present.
PSYCHOTHERAPY
Psychotherapy can help you understand how unhelpful life patterns stem from early life experiences affect you as an adult.
Psychotherapy helps you let go of unhelpful patterns of behaviour over a longer amount of time than counselling because learned behaviour starts from birth, with memories, messages and meanings hidden in the unconscious. It takes time for unconscious memories and meanings to surface,which is why psychotherapy takes longer.
Understanding why you adopted certain behaviours enables you to change and grow your life the way you want to now.
Psychotherapy can change your life!
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DO I NEED COUNSELLING OR PSYCHOTHERAPY?
Whether counselling or psychotherapy would be of most benefit, both pathways show you how to build inner resources and discover the resources you already have, but didn’t know you had!
We discuss which pathway is best for you in the FREE half hour meeting (individuals only).
What Counselling and Psychotherapy DON'T Offer:
Neither therapy gives advice, works with agendas, or has the answers to your problems!
What Counselling and Psychotherapy DO offer:
Both therapies will help you work it out for yourself!
YOU have the answers to your problems - my role is to help you discover what they are!
Your Space, Your Time
The counselling space contains no expectations, judgment, prejudices or beliefs about you. It provides space to find out about yourself, understand your relationships and make decisions that enable happier lives.
A therapist is not your personal buddy, but someone you can trust to accept your perceptions on problems, challenges
And dilemmas in a non-judgmental and empathetic way.
A therapist has no emotional attachment, or expectations of you, but will give support and unconditional acceptance of how your world, challenges and dilemmas appear to you.
What counselling cannot do for you is give advice, work with agendas
or have the answers to your problems.
What it will do for you is to help you work it out for yourself!
How Therapy Can Help YOU!
I will explain how counselling and psychotherapy can offer a deeper understanding about how you have become who you are today and support you in your quest to achieve the life you want.
In my role as a therapist, my experience and skills offer a safe place where you can explore what troubles you, and learn to trust that your pain can be talked about and made sense of – that it won’t overwhelm me, or make me reject you.
A Blank Canvas
Therapy offers support and an un-biased, non-judgmental, objective opportunity for you to explore experiences as you see them, without my personal life interfering with the your ability to process whatever concerns you.
Therapists present a ‘blank canvas’ for the client to paint their personal experience in whatever way they choose, whilst empathising with the client’s dilemmas.
Benefits of Therapy
Everyone would benefit from experiencing therapy at least once in their life. Therapy is an investment in you – the best investment you will ever make!
Therapy is a subjective and unique experience for each person. Like any good relationship, the relationship between the therapist and client is all-important for therapy to work. If you don’t have a rapport with your therapist it’s unlikely you will experience any benefit.
Today, I supervise other counsellors and psychotherapists, work as an integrative counselling psychotherapist (‘integrative’ in this sense means that I use different skills).
